When we were in Atlanta, we played loaded questions. The questions ranged from fun (What's your favorite thing about Mary?) to more real (How lonely are you, on a scale of one to ten?) I bring up the loneliness question only because it is what I will talk about today.
I have ideas of fun blogs, of light-hearted facts about car rides, of the internet, of fun things on which I can put a twist in such a way that my friends reading this blog will hopefully at least smile. Today, however, today I don't have it in me to write these blogs.
How lonely am I on a scale of 1-10? I answered 5. The reason why is that I'm not always lonely. The problem with this question is that nobody, I think, is consistently lonely. I know I have friends, and when I am near them or around them my loneliness is at a 1, most certainly. But other times, other times when I feel isolated from everybody, when I feel tired, when I haven't talked to many people and I am sad, those days I'm a 10. At these times, I know that I'm not alone, and that I have friends and family. But it doesn't stop me from being sad and from feeling lonely.
A friend mentioned that after leaving on an extended trip, he returned and had forgotten that life would change while he was gone. Life wasn't waiting for him as he left it when he returned. Sometimes, though, I think life even changes around you when you haven't left, when you forget that people change regardless of where you are, and if you expected it or not. Sometimes I forget that people change and move on, that people meet new people, and that relationships grow and change and that it's not always for the worse. It's like watching the stars. Night by night you can't see that they're any different, but if you don't pay attention for six months and look back at the sky, you'll wonder where Sirius is and why Vega is now the brightest visible star.
I think I noticed over break that we had all changed some; our interactions and our understanding of each other was different than it had been last spring break. And it worried me, at first. I think I'm slightly terrified by the realization that life will keep changing and we will keep growing closer and apart over time, inevitably, whether I remain where I am or allow myself to grow with everyone else. However, as I look back over the past, I realize that I'm not sad with how my life has turned out. Maybe I'm a little more worried than necessary about something that has been happening for years. Maybe I should have a little faith that even though things are a little different, life has yet to leave me lonely and hopeless, even though sometimes I feel as though I'm a 10 on the loneliness scale. So I guess the only thing to do is to let life change and change me as it will.
And, for the time being, I can be thankful for where I am and what I have today.
Love, Andrea.
2 comments:
i thought about how we had changed since last spring break, too. but i think, though that freshman innocence or excitement has perhaps passed, we are all getting to really know ourselves and each other. and that's a change for the better.
Andrea Gill I love you. As my friend Sarah Barros puts it- some of us are just emotional buckets. You and I my friend are emotional buckets (or emo buckets as she shortens it) life changes- but we only get one (...unless you are talking to my mother who insists she's had previous lives) so we've got to make the best of what's handed to us. I hate change too- I was a big fan of those hershey's commercials "change is bad" ...unfortunately even hershey's has changed but it's still the most dang good cheap chocolate in town. ;)
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