Sometimes I wonder if there are a limited amount of chances in life. It's hard to explain exactly what I mean; I don't think that the world works in such a way that you get, for example, ONE SHOT to find your "soulmate," and if you screw that up you are over. On the other hand, I also don't think that the powers of the universe, whether God or destiny or chance, gives everyone an unlimited amount of chances to make mistakes, to do it wrong, and to screw up.
I guess the reason I think this is because sometimes I wonder if I've used up my chances. My chances to find true love, my chances to be a good person, or to become someone great in life, or things like that. I certainly haven't made the best use of my time these past few years, and as I look back upon 2009, I just see how I wasted my time: spending it with the wrong people, or isolating myself, wasting it away on things that really didn't matter. The years before weren't too much more profitable, but I think 2009 was the worst spent year of them all. I look back and all I see are ruined relationships, lost friendships, regret, hurt, people I wronged, and situations in which I shouldn't have been. I don't know what good I have to say about this year. I even don't think I can use the, "My mistakes at least taught me something," loophole, because I doubt the lessons learned here are even significant enough to make a difference on how I view this year.
However, I've also learned more about love than I expected. I more fully understand the unconditional love of family. I never realized until now just how important it is that, no matter where I've been in life, I always had their love supporting me like a backbone, through the worst and best of times, and that no matter how my life goes, I can always return home to these people who will love me the same. Additionally, I've learned about the importance of friendship, those lessons you hear throughout life and never acknowledge. I only have a few friends, but their of the close variety where I know that they will still be there when I'm having a rough time or a rough day. They are the people that I'm not afraid to be myself around, even though I may sometimes be a little odd or irritating, because I know that they will love me nonetheless. I can tell them anything, and they will believe in me far more than I can figure out how to believe in myself.
I started this blog feeling dejected, and in writing it I've begun to smile, because what started out as a feeling of hopelessness evolved into a realization that I'm not alone, and life still holds hope for me and the future, no matter how the past looks.
So here's to 2010. I'll go ahead and look forward to it, since it's going to happen whether I welcome it or not.
