Faith.

When I hear the word faith, I typically think of faith in the religious sense. In the God an Bible belief in Jesus O-ye-of-little-faith sense. More specifically, I usually think of these two verses:

"...Truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."--Matthew 17:20

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." --Hebrews 11:1

I've thought about both of these verses often throughout my life. The first one is always intriguing, because the thought of moving a mountain by sheer faith is impossible. I have tried and found that my faith does not exceed the size of a mustard seed. However, eventually I learned that the verse is also a commentary on how little faith man has in addition to an example of the power of faith. The second verse is interesting because of the wording. Sometimes I'll stop and pick apart the wording little by little to try to better grasp the meaning of faith. The assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. In my words, it means that faith is having certainty in things for which you hope, for things in which you have no proof. Faith is knowing when you have no reason why.

I have always struggled with faith. The first verse leads me to believe that every Christian struggles with faith, but at the same time I feel as though something so frequently mentioned should not come so difficult. My whole life is a struggle to find the faith I need to live as I should. The problem is that faith is the conviction of things not seen. Faith means I have to believe in something for which I have no absolute proof. I have to decide that I know something which I will never actually know.

For this reason I have struggled, because I always have doubts and questions. What if I'm wrong? What about all of the other faith-based religions? Someone has to be wrong, why not me? Eternity is a long time to have made the wrong choice. Or the right choice, for that matter. What if I screw up? What if I can't ever find enough faith? It's a terrifying cycle when I actually try to wrap my mind around all of the concepts. I've never felt like I've had as much faith, or ever can, as the people I see at church. I always feel as though my faith falls short of expectations, which apparently are less than a mustard seed already.

Then, the other day, a friend pointed out to me that I don't just struggle with faith in religion, but in everything. At first I blew him off as arrogant and wrong, but later I stopped to consider what he actually said. And I realized that he was, in fact, correct. I have no faith, in or out of religion. I have very little, if any, certainty, in all aspects of my life. I question the loyalty of those closest to me, I question the motives of those around me, I doubt the love of those whom I love. I even have no faith in myself and my own capabilities. My friend had also suggested that I start by finding faith in something, in anything. Just to have any faith. So I also took that into consideration.

I don't know why it's so difficult for me to have faith. I don't know if it was something that happened to me, I don't know if it's just my personal mindset, if every person struggles with faith every day, or if some people have found a way to overcome their lack of faith and have found something, if anything, in which to believe, without proof or evidence, they still have certainty. I at least know that I can't live my life with no faith in anything. There has to be something, religious or not, in which I can believe.

I know that this blog sounds pretty pessimistic, but that's not how it was written. It is more of an explanation of some interesting conclusions to which I have recently come. It's difficult to end this on a happy note, but I'm hopeful for what the future brings and the opportunity to change and maybe find faith in something. Now I know that I don't have faith in anything, I have a starting point. The first step to finding a solution is to recognize the problem. And, if anything, I have faith that I can find a solution.

And I hope that you also have found faith in something.

Addictions.

Quick post to kill time and pause from my current addiction.

Today at work I asked Dustin for a dollar. Dustin refused, claiming that I only wanted the dollar to buy a Mountain Dew. I said yes, but it was my business to decide what I wanted to drink. He said he refused to feed my caffeine addiction. I told him I wasn't addicted, since I hadn't had caffeine in quite a few days, I just happened to want a Mountain Dew that day. Our boss overheard the conversation and loaned me a dollar. The Mountain Dew was amazing. It's possibl one of the tastiest, though most caffeinated sodas.

I'm not addicted to Mountain Dew right now. I am addicted to The Office at this moment. See, ever so often when there's not much else going on in my life, I'll discover a book series or a television show or an online comic and become obsessed with reading or watching whatever it is I've found. This has happened with XKCD, House, The Office (prior to this time,) Scrubs, Chronicles of Narnia, the LOTR books, and probably other things that I can't remember right now. Eventually I'm going to watch through all of LOST again, but I haven't had the energy yet. However, recently I decided to watch all of The Office again, on the basis of it being probably one of the most amazing shows I have ever seen and because I had nothing else really going on at the time and spent a good amount of time in my room trying to find things to do. Watching The Office isn't particularly productive, but it is funny and time-consuming. I'm halfway through season four in less than a week. One of the reasons I don't blog so often anymore is becuase my life consists of going to work, coming home, and watching an entire television series in the course of a week, which gives me little to write about and little time in which to write what little happens.

Dustin also loves The Office. He and I actually started each other on watching it. We'd both seen a few episodes and thought it was okay, so for Christmas I bought him season three (they were sold out of season one.) We both watched it nonstop, and have been hooked ever since. We sometimes just talk about the show at work, reminding each other of hilarious moments or great episodes. There was once a camping trip where Dustin, Kailey and I sat around the fire and talked about The Office for about four hours. It's a great show for conversation if you know someone else that loves the show. "What's that one line Michael said to Toby? 'I hate...so much... about the things you choose to be...' That was a great line!" Or, "I think the Rabies episode was possibly the best episode ever." The list of conversation material inspired by The Office is endless.

Back in Tallahassee, we would always watch the new episodes in my dorm. Daniel, Leah, and I were always there, including occasionally the other Daniel, Mary, David, or someone else.

Moral of the story: watch The Office. You won't be disappointed.

Furiosity.

I'm exhausted from a day in the sun at work, and my mind is a little fuzzy. However, here's my thoughts of the moment the best I can write.

The other day, I said to myself, "I am furious," even though I was only slightly agitated and knew that very well. However, using the word furious caused me to think about other forms of the word furious. What is the noun version of furious, I asked myself. Furiousity. That didn't sound right. Oh. That's because the real word is Fury. Then explain curious and curiosity. Oh well.

Now, the reason for my agitation? I have a brother. The relationship between siblings is a very interesting one. Dustin and I are very close. Well, at least I think so. If you were to ask him, he'd say no. I sometimes say we should pretend we're twins. He says we should pretend we aren't related. I give him hugs. He informs me that he could break my wrists with one hand and proceeds to push me.

Because he and I are less than a year apart in age, Dustin and I have always spent time together. As children we'd play together, even with each other's friends. We have alot of friends in common now, and also work together. When we are off at college, we are pretty consistent about keeping in touch. I could go on for hours trying to explain all the little things that make up our relationship, but the topic of today's blog is not about that.

The most interesting thing about being siblings is the fights. Although Dustin and I get along really well, even though we still can goof off like we're six-year-olds, even though sometimes one of us purposely irritates the other, sometimes we actually argue. It's never about anything serious; usually it's something very ridiculous and usually we aren't even upset, we're just in bad moods about something else. Tempers rise, conversation gets heated, and we sometimes say some pretty harsh things.

After these fights, we go seperate ways for a few hours. Then, things are back to normal.

No matter what stupid things we argue about, we always are fine again afterwards. Without even having to talk about it or bring it back up, or even apologize, though I think maybe a few times in the past we've apologized.

While I was thinking about furiosity and being agitated at Dustin about our argument, I knew at the time that in a few hours we'd be fine. Because that's just how we are. And I love Dustin very much.

In the Belly of the Whale.

Let me preface this blog by saying that I will be talking about a Bible story. Please don't comment to criticize the Bible or its validity, or anything of the sort. Any critical remarks should be toward my personal opinions and content, not that of the reference I used for this blog.

If you grew up going to Sunday School and church almost every week of your life, you certainly heard the story of Jonah, from whence came the expression used as the title of this post. Now, the story of Jonah is found in the book of Jonah in the Old Testament of the Holy Bible. This is one of the story most Christian children learn. Here is a summary of the story told to children:

Once, there was a man named Jonah, a prophet of God. God told Jonah to go to a city called Ninevah and preach God's word, but Jonah was scared and boarded a ship for elsewhere. On the ship, God sent a storm, so Jonah confessed and the sailors threw Jonah overboard to save the ship. However, in the water, God sent a whale to swallow Jonah. After three days and nights, Jonah prayed, and God told the whale to spit Jonah up on land. Jonah immediately went to Ninevah, where they all turned to God. The End.

Now, this story is simplified for children. It has a happy ending. It has a rise and fall. It is very similar to fairy tales or bedtime stories. I am not calling this story a fairy tale, I am simply saying that the way people simplify Bible stories for children has this effect, possibly because children would have difficulty understanding the full story.

Last semester, I decided to actually read the book of Jonah in the bible. The first part was very similar to the above story. Jonah flees to Tarshish, the sailors throw him off the ship, he gets swallowed by a whale.

Now firstly. Think about the concept of being swallowed by the whale. The illustrated children's book I have of Jonah shows a man kneeling in a cavernous, well-lit area lined by ribs. He is even smiling as he prays to God from this spacious, suite, stomach. Assuming there were a sea mammal alive today capable of swallowing a man and keeping him alive in its stomach, imagine what it would be like. I don't think I would be happy, smiling, or even calm. It is completely dark and devoid of light, leaving you completely alone. It isn't incredibly large or spacious; rather, it is small and wet. Being without sight, you rely on your other senses. The smell is terrible, as food is being digested around you. Have you ever heard your stomach digest? The odd gurgles and rumbles? That is all around you. And it must feel warm and wet, disgustsing everywhere. There isn't any dry ground on which to kneel, and you are forced to be in the yuckiness. And let's hope there is no need to use the sense of taste, though your tongue is dry from no water and your stomach yearns for a morsel of food. You do not know if you will ever see light or land again, if you will ever eat, drink, or breathe clean air. You do not know if this prison can be escaped, so you have no option but to wait for death and wonder at how you still live.

This is what was painted as a wonderful, safe option to children. This lovely room is where Jonah obediently smiled to God. Children's books, you got the story wrong. There is nothing happy or safe about the belly of the whale. Miraculous and amazing though it may be, it was not pretty.

Now, the next interesting thing is that the story does not end here. This is only two-thirds through the book of Jonah. As we know, the King of Ninevah is shocked. He orders all men and animals to wear sackloth and fast to be shown God's mercy. Which God does. Jonah should be rejoicing at an entire city saved and shown the true light of his God! Does he do this? No. Instead, Jonah gets angry and goes outside the city. He tells God he is angry and never wanted to come to Ninevah because he knows God would be mericful. God sends a plant to give Jonah shade, but the next day sends a worm to devour the plant. When it withers, Jonah wishes he were dead. He tells God he is so angry he could die.

So angry he could die? Over God taking away plant that he had only just sent to help Jonah?

The book ends with God basically telling Jonah that he just doesn't get it. Jonah is fuming about a plant that wasn't saved, and yet he would wish that fate upon all of Ninevah. Really, Jonah?

After reading this book, I burst into laughter. I can't help but laugh at the idea of a man crouched on the ground, staring at the remains of the withered plant and livid with anger. Through gritted teeth, he shouts, "I'm so angry I could die!" at God.

There is so much more in this story that they can't contain in a children's story. There are so many more messages than the few that they give: Don't run from God. Also, God always provides for his children. It's about so much more! It's about the inevitability of running from God, about how even though you are saved it isn't always pleasant. God provides, but the provision is so much worse than the original fate. And then the entire last chapter is about how ridiculous people can be. God blesses people, but when the blessing isn't there, when life gets difficult, people become enraged with God for things about which they have no right to be angry. The concept is absurd! And so many more messages embedded in Jonah's prayer, in all of his reactions, in the reactions of the sailors, the Ninevites, and the other characters in the story. The story is so much larger than a man who gets swallowed by a whale.

I have the children's story of Jonah memorized. But somehow, it seems to fall short of what the Bible actually intended.

Fishin'.

I went fishin' the other day. Not fishing. It is called fishin'. So, when in this post you see the word fishing, make sure to read it properly in your mind.

Now, I have been fishing once or twice before, always on the intercoastal waterway. The thing about people who fish on the intercoastal is that they use live shrimp as bait. I am not such a fan of this. Firstly, the shrimp are still living, though that doesn't bother me as much as the other point. Second, they look very creepy and flick around. They have these weird insect legs and long feelers and seem to be the locusts of the sea. I have an intense fear of locusts. Like locusts, shrimp are virtually harmless, but this fact in no way decreases my fear.

The other times I have been fishing, the guy with whom I went, Larry, understood that I didn't like the shrimp. He gladly would put the shrimp on the hook for me, and I could fish peacefully never having to worry about the writhing crustaceans. However, this time I was with my friend Seth. Seth apparently believes in overcoming fears. Usually I don't have a problem doing crazy things or being fearless. I rarely ever do high-pitched stereotypical girly screams. However, this was no ordinary fear. This was sticking my hand in a bucket of water amidst these completely gross critters to wrap my hand around only one, avoiding the adjacent ones, pulling it out and ignoring the numerous legs and feelers on my palm long enough to stick a hook through the length of its body. Doesn't sound very pleasant, does it?

I tried to reach in the bucket. I got as far as the lid and one made a jump to the surface. I screamed and backed up. Seth tried talking to me. Seth tried calming me down. Seth decided to throw a shrimp at me. I screamed. He threw another. I screamed, jumped back further, and threatened him. He threw a shrimp at my face. I screamed and tried to make sure it didn't get caught in my hair. I punched Seth. Not lightly. He gave up on his mission, and we continued fishing.

Later, I decided that I needed to get over my problems. I couldn't go the entire day not having gotten the shrimp on my own. So I counted down from three and stuck my hand in the bucket. I got two of my fingers in the surface when one of them made a sudden movement. I retreated. I also screamed. This went on about six more times before Seth was a little sick of this.

In the midst of this, I remembered so many cliche movies or songs or whatever, where the idea is to "jump in." To whatever fear or anything. I remember thinking I just needed to "jump in." Close my eyes, and just reach in and grab a shrimp.

I never did that. I did, however, learn to gently reach into the bucket and hold a solitary shrimp between my finger and thumb long enough to take him out of the water and hand him to Seth to put on the hook. If Seth took too long, the shrimp would eventually flick, at which point I would scream and drop it. Either way, I was eventually able to adapt.

The thing is, I don't think anyone always can just "jump in." I'll never be able to act on stage. Some people will never donate blood, or stand at the top of a cliff, or go underground in a cave, or in a tiny closet. Everyone has fears, and its not always possible to completely overcome it with no uneasiness. However, we can always adapt. I can't put my hand in a bucket of shrimp and pull one out effortlessly. But I can get a shrimp out of the bucket, even if it's not exactly how most people would. And I think that's what matters, that I eventually found a way to do what I needed to do.

And I caught more fish than Seth anyways.