Faith.

When I hear the word faith, I typically think of faith in the religious sense. In the God an Bible belief in Jesus O-ye-of-little-faith sense. More specifically, I usually think of these two verses:

"...Truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."--Matthew 17:20

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." --Hebrews 11:1

I've thought about both of these verses often throughout my life. The first one is always intriguing, because the thought of moving a mountain by sheer faith is impossible. I have tried and found that my faith does not exceed the size of a mustard seed. However, eventually I learned that the verse is also a commentary on how little faith man has in addition to an example of the power of faith. The second verse is interesting because of the wording. Sometimes I'll stop and pick apart the wording little by little to try to better grasp the meaning of faith. The assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. In my words, it means that faith is having certainty in things for which you hope, for things in which you have no proof. Faith is knowing when you have no reason why.

I have always struggled with faith. The first verse leads me to believe that every Christian struggles with faith, but at the same time I feel as though something so frequently mentioned should not come so difficult. My whole life is a struggle to find the faith I need to live as I should. The problem is that faith is the conviction of things not seen. Faith means I have to believe in something for which I have no absolute proof. I have to decide that I know something which I will never actually know.

For this reason I have struggled, because I always have doubts and questions. What if I'm wrong? What about all of the other faith-based religions? Someone has to be wrong, why not me? Eternity is a long time to have made the wrong choice. Or the right choice, for that matter. What if I screw up? What if I can't ever find enough faith? It's a terrifying cycle when I actually try to wrap my mind around all of the concepts. I've never felt like I've had as much faith, or ever can, as the people I see at church. I always feel as though my faith falls short of expectations, which apparently are less than a mustard seed already.

Then, the other day, a friend pointed out to me that I don't just struggle with faith in religion, but in everything. At first I blew him off as arrogant and wrong, but later I stopped to consider what he actually said. And I realized that he was, in fact, correct. I have no faith, in or out of religion. I have very little, if any, certainty, in all aspects of my life. I question the loyalty of those closest to me, I question the motives of those around me, I doubt the love of those whom I love. I even have no faith in myself and my own capabilities. My friend had also suggested that I start by finding faith in something, in anything. Just to have any faith. So I also took that into consideration.

I don't know why it's so difficult for me to have faith. I don't know if it was something that happened to me, I don't know if it's just my personal mindset, if every person struggles with faith every day, or if some people have found a way to overcome their lack of faith and have found something, if anything, in which to believe, without proof or evidence, they still have certainty. I at least know that I can't live my life with no faith in anything. There has to be something, religious or not, in which I can believe.

I know that this blog sounds pretty pessimistic, but that's not how it was written. It is more of an explanation of some interesting conclusions to which I have recently come. It's difficult to end this on a happy note, but I'm hopeful for what the future brings and the opportunity to change and maybe find faith in something. Now I know that I don't have faith in anything, I have a starting point. The first step to finding a solution is to recognize the problem. And, if anything, I have faith that I can find a solution.

And I hope that you also have found faith in something.