Antsy.

The most noticeable change from being a World of Warcraft shut-in who never saw the outside, slept during normal hours, or lived a regular life is a particular antsiness that I now feel on a regular basis.

When it is still sunny out and I am inside on my computer, I feel guilty and scared, as if I know I should be doing something else. I assume its from a year of repressed guilt when I spent hours of sunlight and perfect time wasted sitting in front of a computer screen in a tiny bedroom with the blinds closed, concealed in a tiny, pixelated world. There were days that I appreciated the beauty of the graphics of different zones, the colors of the ground or the changes in the weather, all inside of an imaginary world that can be reduced to 0s and 1s. All while a real world of weather, seasons, and colors was beckoning me to join it, but I shunned it. Just now, I went outside to put my laundry in the machine, which is in the outdoor closet. It was lovely; summer evenings always remind me of childhood frolicking. I have had a long day at work, and will have a tiring day tomorrow. I know that resting isn't abnormal in these circumstances, but I still can't shake the feeling that I'm wasting myself.

I also can't sleep in past 9:30 anymore. Again, this is leftover guilt from days of going to bed past sunrise and waking up after sunset (usually during the winter months of shortened days.) I don't like staying up past 2, and if I do, I'm still up by 9:30, even if it takes copious amounts of caffeine and headaches to make it until an acceptable bedtime. I never used to like sleeping in past 11; it made me feel like I was wasting the day. The morning is such a beautiful time when the world is new. The sunlight feels fresher and crisper, and everything is wet and green. By evening, the sun feels sweeter and more familiar and the world is golden. Both are wonderful, and I'd prefer appreciate both. Somehow, the calming evening can't be appreciated without the fresh morning. If I'm not, I'd better have a decent excuse for being awake in the middle of the night, like helping my mother on the paper route (which is still another blog to come.) Being awake at 3 in the morning helping Mom throw papers to the rest of the world has a silent depth to it. The whole world is asleep, but we are awake with purpose and meaning, outside in a slow, quiet world. It's relaxing and unsettling all at once.

The only time of day that I don't like is the afternoon. It's too bright and hot. The sun seems frustrated, like a tyrant trying to peer into the lives and souls of all of us. The afternoon is the one time of day that I'm okay with hiding myself away from the glaring view of the overly bright, baked world.

This blog has taken an unexpected turn. My inability to write along a single train of thought is probably why my papers never scored very well in school.