Things to write about.

This morning, I woke up an hour early. Since time change is this weekend, I figured I might as well get up. In my extra hour, I browsed Facebook. This led me to a Pinterest picture. Since I still do not have a Pinterest, I am not very good at navigating it, but I somehow ended up on a blog post. This post gave an idea: 30 days of blogging by answering the following questions.

THE LIST:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

I also, by some random clicking within the blog, found out that the blogger was Mormon because of a reference in another blog to Heavenly Father. As far as I know, no other denomination uses this terminology. I like Mormons, though, and their fondness of blogging. Anyways, I'm going to do this list. So be prepared to see lots of blogs about me answering random questions.

I've been doing the Couch to 5k plan, like so many people I know. I tried it before, but I only had a treadmill and manually adjusted the speed based on looking at a list of the program. It was terrible. Thanks to a fellow blogger's blog, I now know about the iPhone app and have been running/walking around outside for workouts. It's been lovely! I love knowing that I've got planned time to spend outdoors. I've also decided that I'll run a marathon someday.

Anyways, that's all for now. Mike and I are going to watch some cartoons together, so I'll start my 30 days of posts tomorrow!

Weekly Dinners

We started a thing regularly. I guess Kate started it, Kate and Leah, and I was invited. It most likely wasn't my idea because I shun social interactions at first suggestion. Anyways, we have a rotating dinner. One week it's a Kate's, one week at Leah and Daniel's, and one week at my and Mike's place. It's also nice because it is in no way a potluck. One night a week for two weeks, you know that dinner is provided and you don't need to put forward effort, and for one night on a third week, you get cook dinner for your friends. It's a good system.

Leah and Kate were both bridesmaids in my wedding. They are two of my closest friends. If Jess and Jordan, my other two bridesmaids, lived up here, they would most definitely be involve as well, although I think another convenient part of our system is that it only involves 5 people in 3 households. The more people that are involved, the harder it becomes on your week to cook.  Also, Jess has a baby and I don't know how to cook for babies. 

March 2 was my 23 birthday, so I was happy to cook the evening before. I cooked some of my favorites: grilled hamburgers, fries, sauteed asparagus (not a favorite, but needed something healthy) and for dessert, instead of the traditional birthday cake, we had strawberry shortcake! I love strawberry shortcake. Unfortunately, I didn't make the angel food cake and bought it pre-made from Publix, but I at least cut up the strawberries and whatnot myself? The sale on strawberries was what inspired this dessert, actually. Anyways, dinner commenced at 7, as usual

Nothing was different than normal, but at some point during that dinner I came to a realization as I watched these people: Mike, my husband, being his usual quiet yet silly self in front of company; it goes without saying that I love him most dearly. Leah, one of my best friends, trying to tell a story, but (nicely) punching Daniel as he says, "Mhmm," and, "That's right, girlfriend," with sass to all of her comments, much to our amusement. Kate, laughing with me at the crazy antics as we high-five over some well-timed comment from one of us. And as we are all laughing heartily, I look around the table and think about how much I love these people; my closest friends, or what I'd almost call my family.

Don't think I am replacing my blood family with these people. My parents and siblings understand me in a way that nobody else ever could, and I love them unconditionally. My in-laws also are very close to me, in ways that I don't think could be easily severed. But, with all of the people closest to me by blood or marriage living hours away, I think Mike and I still crave some sort of familial, social interaction outside of ourselves, and that's where friends come in.

As I looked around the table, I took a mental snapshot. I will never forget that instant, looking around at all the mid-laughter faces, and thinking--well, there aren't really words that I thought, so I guess a better way to put it is feeling-that I was incredibly thankful to spend my birthday, so far away from all the people that love me unconditionally, with friends for whom I'm grateful everyday, whom I love most dearly. Even without my parents, siblings, or in-laws, I have a family in Tallahassee.

I'm back!

As you can tell from the title of this blog, I was forced to make it for class. My first ten or so posts are very boring because of that purpose. I don't suggest reading them.

Then, one day, I went to the beach and got stuck in a sand tunnel. The adventure was so all around interesting that I felt the need to share it with the world. So I came to this blog and I wrote.

Before that day, I didn't know that I actually could write, not in any interesting way at least. Before then, I didn't really even have any clue of the liberty that can be found through creative expression. And I had suddenly found my expression, found my voice, found my ability to portray myself and my mind through my words.  It was exhilarating.

What followed was regular blogging, for quite some time. Then I played WoW for a year and stopped, well, everything except WoW. Then I was back! Then I tried to work two jobs, plan a wedding, enroll in and withdraw from grad school, and did not have time for blogging. My very, very few dedicated readers, mainly my mom, would remind me, "Oh, and we haven't seen a blog update from you in awhile."  And I missed blogging.

One reason I didn't blog was because I never walked alone. I learned this the other day. I used to walk across campus on a regular basis, ride the bus, or work out regularly all while listening to music. This allowed my mind the necessary time to wander and find ideas for my blog. Then, I began a student internship, took walks with my dear friend Leah, and discovered that my iPhone had a Netflix app, which is far preferable to music. Movies are better at distracting me, and if I'm not distracted my mind keeps going back to the same, "This is not fun. Why am I on this elliptical again?"

The other morning, I was up early and the weather was gorgeous, so I went on a walk. During that walk, listening to music out of what used to be my headset for grad school (what happened to all of my headphones in the move? I used to own earbuds...) and wondering if all the cars driving by wondered why I had a microphone on my headset, I decided to write a blog about social anxiety disorder. I also came to the realization during that blog that walking is my inspiration. I think everyone has some sort of inspiration and a creative outlet to release that inspiration. Apparently, I haven't been blessed with any amazing, incredible talents. I will never create any sort of masterpiece that is remembered, or even one that makes money. I won't ever awe the world with my skills.  But, if I find time to take a solitary walk with my headphones on and music playing, I can guarantee you that I will later be able to write a few words that allow you insight into the inner workings of my mind.

And now that my schedule is more free, now that I'm married and settled in with my husband Mike (husband!) I have free time. My blog readers (all three of you...) I'm back!

Google Accounts.

I'm currently in the process of converting my old Google account, which was essentially firstnamelastname@gmail.com, to my new Google account, which is the same thing with my married last name. As soon as I was engaged, I created that account, just in case any other Andrea Kanises out there were in a hurry to claim that Google name. I'm also considering buying the domain name. Anyways, I'm in the process of trying to move all of my old Google info to this account, but Google doesn't have a simple "Move your account," button, so it's taking a few weeks. I've just moved this blog to my new email, which is why it was on my mind.

Anyways, now I'm married and all that. Let me tell you something I've learned about married life: it sounds very boring. I mean this honestly. People keep asking me, "How's married life?" My response is always, "Oh, it's good!" I'm not sure what else to say, maybe something like, "Yeah... not so great, really... starting to rethink my choices..." In all honesty, though, it is good. There's just nothing fun to say about it. Sometimes, when people press beyond the "It's good," response, I'll try to let them know what married life is like. Example:

"Well, I did change my legal name and my license. Luckily, it only took about 30 minutes at the DMV, can you believe it? I finally have a new driver's license without that terrible picture of me when I was 16 and hadn't done my bangs properly that morning. Oh, and Mike and I spent yesterday deciding whether it would be cheaper to put me on his dental insurance or mine. I've never had a cavity, but I don't feel comfortable going without dental insurance, this would certainly be the year I broke a tooth. We ended up going with the one offered by my work. Oh, and we finally set up my 401k. Want to hear about that?? Oh wait, maybe that's something your not supposed to talk about, like salaries and politics and whatnot. [Note: Once your an "adult" with adult jobs and whatnot, conversation DOES become more limited. It's frustrating, because suddenly these rules of etiquette about what you can and can't discuss apply.] Oh, and let me tell you about my job! I--"

I will cut my monologue off here, because the account handbook at work says that we need to be discreet about work in our blogs, but I can assure you that my job is not interesting. I have a very boring, normal sort of office job. While I do love my boring office job, I can promise you that it is not fun to talk about, as Mike can verify. I have spent many days telling him about the intricacies of how our company works, only to realize that he is in no way interested, nor would any normal person be.

Anyways, that's married life. I can tell you that it is quite a happy time, but it is not interesting to talk about.

Social Anxiety Disorder.

In early college, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder: An irrational fear of what other people are thinking, so strong that it interferes with daily life. One of the criteria is that the fear is so strong that the person realizes it is unreasonable. Have you ever had someone pass you giggling and you wonder if they are laughing at you? Imagine that everyone you fear that everyone you can see--regardless of their expression, of if they are looking at you--imagine that same feeling of, "Why are they laughing at me," amplified. That was my life. When I was diagnosed, my whole life suddenly made sense. It wasn't that everyone else was regularly more courageous than me or something, I just had some issues to work out. The treatment was simple. The doctor showed me that my fear was unreasonable and helped me realize why I was afraid. This, more or less, solved my problems.

However, I believe that my social anxiety caused my family some concern and confusion in my early life. They did not understand why I acted so unreasonably. There was a phase in middle school where I refused to go to ANY store with my family. Restaurants were entirely out of the question. Thus, I would like to post an insider's view into the thoughts of someone in middle school.

Imagine that you are a 14 year old girl and your mother is taking you grocery shopping. You don't want to go, but have to because it's on the way and she's not going to leave you sitting in the car that long. You walk into the store.

Oh no, why are there so many people here? Who wants to go shopping on a Tuesday afternoon anyways? Why are they looking at me? Oh, gosh, they must think that I look like an idiot. I wish I wasn't wearing a blue shirt--Mom, what are you doing? DON'T WALK TO THE CHEESE SECTION, MOM, PEOPLE CAN SEE US... oh crap, she's looking at the cheeses.. WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK? Don't pick it up, please... DON'T ASK ME! STOP TALKING SO LOUD! PEOPLE CAN SEE US! They're going to think we're the silly people who have to discuss cheese choices... Maybe if I fold my arms tighter they'll stop looking at me. I wish I could just fade into invisibility... I do NOT like grocery shopping. AGH MOM STOP ASKING ME ABOUT BREAD, LETS JUST GO!

That was a regular day inside of my head. Here's another example. You're 18, in New York for the first time with your family, and your mom sees a little local breakfast shop and takes you all inside. You are asked what you want to eat. You stare at the guy taking your order blankly.

What do people eat in New York? Bagels? I've never really had much experience with bagels.. how do you eat bagels? What do you put on bagels? I really want pancakes. Nobody is ordering pancakes. I guess people don't eat pancakes in New York... If I order pancakes, will they think I'm fat? Can they tell I'm a tourist?

"Andrea, are you going to order?" asks Mom.

Oh, no, Mom, please don't ask me that, I just don't know.. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ORDER BAGELS PROPERLY.

This story ends with Mom telling me to just go outside since I've become mute. I left the restaurant and cried. I intended this post to be humorous, a way to laugh at my past, but the more I write, the more serious I feel.

It's also strange because there are certain times or people that grant you immunity. Whenever I was with Dustin, for example, I had immunity. This was because, in my mind, nobody would judge Dustin poorly. Being with people like Dustin, Trish, Leah, or a few others, granted you so many cool points that nobody would think badly of you. It's strange how irrationally this fear works. Also, there were safe places. The choir room, for example, was somewhere that I was as outgoing as I wished. This was because I excelled at choir and everyone knew it. In that domain, I was on top, so there was nothing to fear. The rest of the world was full of terrifying strangers.

The therapist, a nice young grad student, helped me through my problems. She taught me to analyze my thoughts. Why do you think people are judging you? Do you judge everyone you see? Do you even pay attention to them? She even took me on a trip to the library where I followed her from a distance and acted ENTIRELY ridiculous, doing silly things like dropping her keys and asking for books and a turning point occurred in my life. Despite her ridiculous antics, nobody noticed. Or even cared.

It's funny to see the changes in my life. I can go shopping now. Do you realize how strange that is? I can go into a store and pick out clothes that I think are legitimately cute, not just clothes that I think would fade into the background. I can purchase these clothes. At restaurants, I don't get the most "normal" choice, I get what I really want to eat. I sometimes still have troubles going into new stores or trying new things, and sometimes it can be difficult for Mike and I to try new things, since he also suffered from Social Anxiety Disorder. But we help each other through it, and overall I'm much cured from where I was. I guess it was convenient that the solution was as simple as allowing someone else to help me reason through my thoughts. I wish all problems were that easy.