Past, Future, and Lack of Present.

I live a life of regret. I don't mean to say that my life actually should be regretted; rather, that I live my life regretting overly and unnecessarily.

I either spend my time worrying about what I've done and wishing I could take it back, wondering how to atone for all of the mistakes I've made, or fretting that the mistakes I've made will irreparably damage my future. I regret what I've done and fear what I haven't. All of this worrying leaves little time for my ability to live in the present and appreciate what's happening in my life at the moment.

So I decided to stop worrying so much about consequences and the effects of my actions. I decided to live "in the moment." I didn't worry so much about all of the little things that usually plagued me, refused to ask my usual questions, and ignored the signs that things would go downhill. I didn't stop to worry about consequences or what would happen in the future with my actions now. I just let myself live, and took whatever options came my way. I chose the options that would better allow me to "experience life" rather than the wise choices.

And I was left disappointed.

When I spent my life worrying, I was too preoccupied to be able to enjoy life. However, when I stopped worrying, I spent too little time making smart decisions that I ended up in a place in life where I didn't want to be.

I guess it really comes to a balance between knowing what's worth worrying about and what's not.Another situation of life being a balance . It's funny how my whole life I heard that things weren't always black and white, but shades of gray, my whole life, and still to this day I see it more and more in my life. It's never going to be one thing or the other, it's never just right or wrong. It's always a delicate balance somewhere in-between.

I can't live my life with crippling worry. But I also can't live my life care-free. Both just end up hurting myself and, in some situations, others.

So, one goal for this upcoming year. Find a balance where I can enjoy life, but I'm not just going along with every option thrown at me for the heck of it. Learn to appreciate life and take mistakes as a learning experience without allowing them to preoccupy my ability to enjoy what's happening.

This summer I learned quite a bit about the person I know I don't want to be. Here's to never being that person again. And while it may have been a mistake, I can move on from this. Take what I've learned and continue living. So welcome, next stage of life.